


The Darkness of John Constantine

by Obscure Fanfiction Series (RichardGraysonPercyJackson), RichardGraysonPercyJackson



Series: John Constantine: Exorcist, Demonologist, and Petty Master of The Dark Arts [1]
Category: Constantine (TV), DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Asphyxiation, Asylum, Bottom John Constantine, Breathplay, Canonical Child Abuse, Choking Kink, Dark, Demonic Possession, Dom Desmond (DC Legend's of Tomorrow), Dom/sub, Electroconvulsive Therapy, Erotic, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, John Constantine Needs A Hug, John Constantine has bad mental health, John Constantine-Centric, M/M, Medication, Mental Health Issues, Paranoid Personality Disorder, Past Child Abuse, Past John Constantine/Des, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychic Abilities, Ravenscar Psychiatric Facility (Constantine), Sad and Happy, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, Smoking, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Underage Drinking, Underage Rape/Non-con, Underage Sex, Underage Smoking, Worried Chas, but only cause John mentions it, getting better, let me know if I need more, lying, mentioned anyway, sub john constantine, worried Des, worried zed, you can't tell me he doesn't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:55:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29571369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RichardGraysonPercyJackson/pseuds/Obscure%20Fanfiction%20Series, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RichardGraysonPercyJackson/pseuds/RichardGraysonPercyJackson
Summary: John is thirteen when he loses his virginity.John is fourteen when he tries to take his own life.John finds magic at fifteen.“So,” thirty-two old John Constantine concluded as he stood before thirty-four year old Desmond Laveau. “I understand if any of that is...a dealbreaker.”*Chapters uploaded daily
Relationships: John Constantine/Desmond
Series: John Constantine: Exorcist, Demonologist, and Petty Master of The Dark Arts [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2172537
Comments: 7
Kudos: 31





	1. John Constantine

**Author's Note:**

> READ THE TAGS MY GUY AND TELL ME IF I FORGOT ANY!!
> 
> This is the first Constantine fic I've ever posted.
> 
> The only reason I included legends of tomorrow was cause of Desmond.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He thinks that’s when he started running.
> 
> He doesn’t think he’s stopped.
> 
> He doesn’t think he can.

If John had to guess - and he _has_ to, because his memories of that time are hazy at best - he’d say he was thirteen when he lost his virginity. 

It’s hard to know, of course. He’d started drinking at twelve and there are too many moments of waking up hungover with his entire body aching, bruises covering every inch of his skin that he knows didn’t come from his father.

If he has to keep guessing - and really, that’s all he can do - he’d say he lost it to a man at least three times his age. 

He thinks the man might have gotten him into smoking, too, or maybe that had something to do with wanting some sort of control over the abuse his father dealt out.

He thinks the man was into pain, blood, BDSM, and all sorts of things no thirteen year old had any right participating in, let alone consenting to.

He thinks he tried to tap out, thinks he begged the man to stop. He thinks the man gagged him, ignored him, fucked him bloody.

He thinks that that’s when he learned to play dead, go limp, fake unconsciousness until the pain stops and you can make your escape.

He thinks that’s when he started running.

He doesn’t think he’s stopped.

He doesn’t think he can.

…………………………..

John is fourteen when he tries to take his own life. 

Two minutes on Earth is an eternity in Hell and the minute he wakes, he knows he has to keep running.

He can’t stop, he won’t stop, because John Constatine is a coward through and through and he’ll do whatever it takes to survive. 

He tried to kill himself because he was afraid of his father and now he’ll keep living because he’s afraid of death.

He starts running the moment his feet hit the ground and he has no intention of stopping.

………………………………

John finds magic at fifteen. He learns of the occult through Anne-Marie and suddenly the world isn’t so dark.

Suddenly he finally feels in control of his life, the one with power. 

Suddenly he feels like no one can ever hurt him again.

………………………………..

John dreams of Newcastle. But that hasn’t happened yet.

John dreams of Anne-Marie and her convent and Pazuzu. But that hasn’t happened yet.

He dreams of Liv Aberdine and Zed and Chas. Renee and Geraldine and Gaz.

He dreams of everyone he’s ruined, every life he’s taken.

He dreams of Des. Of the look on his face as he pleads with John to choose him. To give up magic, to stay with him forever.

He dreams of Ravenscar, of suicide, of his father’s burning cigarettes against his wrist.

But none of that has happened yet. 

…………………………………

John wakes up in a cold sweat. Confused, terrified. 

He bolts, always his first instinct aside from throwing punches, not even searching for clothes and only taking the time to snag his trusty coat off the arm chair in the corner before he’s gone from the room and onto the street where he freezes, shivering as the cold air ghosts over his legs, up the coat, and reminding him he’s not wearing anything but boxers.

He swallows thickly, he doesn’t know where he is. A warm hand lands on his shoulder and he flinches, turning quickly.

“John?” Des’s warm voice washes over him, chasing away the fear and terror and leaving him weak and shaky. “What’s wrong?”

“I-” John can’t speak. His throat’s locked up and he’s shivering.

It’s mid October and cold. Too cold to be outside as three in the morning in nothing but boxers and a trench coat. Des only has his robe and slippers on, obviously rushing after John as soon as he realizes the warlock took off.

John feels sick with guilt.

He doesn’t deserve this man. He doesn't deserve anything but an eternity burning in hell.

Des’s hand moves from his shoulder to his back. “Let’s go inside.” His words are soft, gentle; giving him a way out and the chance to say no.

John’s never been able to say no before.

They go back inside and Des carefully takes John’s jacket from him, replacing it with John’s own robe and guiding the exorcist over to the couch.

They sit in silence, John with his eyes closed as he basks in Des’s touch and tries to orient himself, ground himself.

He clings to Des and feels drowning relief when Des clings right back.

John thinks he could stay here forever. He thinks, for the first time in his life, he can finally stop running.

He thinks he’s finally safe.

………………………….

John barely protects Liv Aberdine. The demon with his face taunts him with Astra, with his greatest failure, and he falls for it.

He’ll always fall for it.

……………………………………………...

John blinks slowly, peering up at the ceiling of his room in the mill house and takes a few moments to orient himself. He is shaking, sweaty, and a migraine beats firm behind his eyes.

But he’s whole. He’s alive. He’s still running and he’s long since left behind his only chance to stop.

He doesn’t think he’ll get another until he’s dead.

…………………………

In the kitchen he sees Astra standing in the corner behind Chas as his friend prepares breakfast.

In the living room he sees Nergal towering over Zed, reaching for her but never quite able to touch.

In the mirror he sees himself; all black eyes and twisted lips, a grin and laugh that promises more pain than he could ever hope to imagine.

In the dark he sees death. Always there, always lingering. Always Waiting.

It will take John Constantine eventually. It just has to wait.

It’s the only thing he can’t outrun.

……………………….

He makes up an excuse to get away for a few months. Tells Chas and Zed that a friend asked for his help in England and he won’t be back for a while. They’ll be fine and safe while he’s gone.

Zed won’t leave the mill house and Chas can’t die. They’ll protect each other and they’ll be fine. They don’t need him, not anymore.

They don’t worry, don’t ask for more detail because they don’t want it, not really. 

They tell him to be safe, but they don’t mean it. John ruins families, he ruins lives. He’s selfish and lonely, he takes with both hands and doesn’t let go until they’re nothing but dust between his fingers.

They’d be happier if he were dead.

The darkness in his head grows.

………………………

  
  


John admits himself back into Ravenscar because he thinks he’s losing his mind. Going crazy. His head is fuzzy more often than not and he’s getting confused.

His first night in the ward, his father beats him. The blows don’t land but they don’t have to. John can imagine the pain well enough, can dole it out even better.

They restrain him, drug him, shock him, but nothing helps. They only make him worse.

He’ll only ever get worse.

………………………..

John is thirty-six when he tries to take his own life again. He uses the sheets of his bed in his ward at Ravenscar to hang himself.

Someone tattles, he’s not sure who, and they get to him in time.

Drugged and defenseless in the infirmary, he’s visited by demons of his past; Friends and family and loved ones he’s failed and betrayed.

His father, his sister, Astra, Nergal, Anne-Mare, Ritchie, Gaz, Chas, Zed, Renee and Geraldine, his mother, _Manny_.

Himself.

Jon screams and screams and doesn’t stop until orderlies run in and drug him into unconsciousness.

It only makes the nightmares worse.

But he doesn’t dare try to kill himself again.

……………………………………………..

It takes one full year in Ravenscar before someone finally realizes John is hallucinating.

That the reason he slams his skull into the wall until he’s restrained is because the voices in his head are too loud.

That the reason he scratches at his arms until he bleeds is to remove the phantom feeling of unwanted touches from his childhood.

That the reason he burns his wrists any time they give him a smoke break is to remind himself that he’s still human, that he can still feel.

That he is still alive.

………………………………….

They diagnose him with Schizophrenia and Paranoid Personality Disorder, medicate him with clozapine, and suddenly everything _changes_.

He wakes up four months after his diagnosis with a clear head and steady heart. His room is empty, and quiet, and for the first time ever, he’s calm.

He goes through his scheduled routine, he opens up, he feels like _himself_.

They make him wait another month but suddenly he’s on an airplane in his typical garb, heading back to America without a single clue what he’s going to do now.

He thinks of Des, but shoves that thought away as soon as it forms. Desmond and he parted when they did for good reason. John can’t give up magic because for so long, it was the only reason he kept himself alive.

The only reason he’s not dead now.

…………………………..

Chas isn’t at the millhouse when John arrives, but Zed is. Her eyes go wide when he comes down the stairs and she abandons her sketchpad, rushing over and throwing herself around John’s shoulders, clinging to him tight.

“I had a vision you killed yourself,” she whispered against his neck as John tentatively returned the hug. “I was so scared.”

 _I tried_. John doesn’t say as he pulls back. “Oh, can’t get rid of me that easily, luv,” he tells her instead, pasting on his usual smirk and feeling something unravel in his chest when it comes easy and unstrained. When the sight of it makes Zed relax almost instantly.

Like she’d expected him to start screaming instead.

“Chas went to Brooklyn, he has Geraldine this weekend,” Zed explained as John moved slowly over to the table, slipping out of his coat and draping it over the chair. “But I can call him, he’ll come back as soon as he knows you’re here-”

“No need to rush him, luv,” John soothed, holding up a hand. He’s still smiling which is strange. It feels weird and forgein because he can’t remember the last time he smiled.

He can't remember the last time he smiled _genuinely_.

Zed stays by his side the rest of the night, telling John about the visions she’s had - she never mentions him killing himself again - and regaling him about the time Chas died and came back to life under the EMT hands.

John laughs when she tells him the difficult time Chas had explaining his way out of that one. He imagines that was probably a funny sight, especially with the human fantisation of immortality.

He’s laughed more in one night than he has in a long time.

He goes to bed with a smile on his face and for the first time in years, sleeps without dreams.

He doesn’t wonder when the other shoe will drop.

………………………………

Chas holds him so tight when he comes back that John thinks his ribs are going to break.

The taller man lets go when John complains about being unable to breathe, when he makes a kink joke, only for Chas to grab him by the shoulders and demand John tell him where he’s been.

John doesn’t tell him because he’s riding the high of medication and he doesn’t want to shatter the best mood he’s had in years. In decades. He doesn’t tell him because he can’t bear to see the look on his face when his friend realizes he's gotten so bad, he felt asylum was the only palace for him.

He doesn’t tell him because Chas doesn’t care. Not really.

The darkness, the dark thoughts, return slowly. Steadily. But the Clozapine is stronger, faster, and they’re dead before they ever truly affect John.

He’s better than he’s ever been and he’s not going to do anything to make this feeling stop.

He'd rather die.


	2. Chas Chandler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John never forced Chas to come along on his cases. John asked, Chas agreed.
> 
> John never dragged Chas away from his family. John was a danger to himself, Chas had to protect him.
> 
> John is not the reason Chas’s marriage crumbled around him while he did nothing more than stand by and watch.
> 
> Chas is.

Chas’s marriage to Renee was already towards its end when Johns spelled him and he survived the bar fire, only to be reborn with forty-seven lives.

But Renee blames John,  _ Chas _ blames John, because it’s so much easier when the exorcist simply shoulders the hate with little word against it.

Their marriage was crumbling, but it had nothing to do with John and everything to do with Chas.

He loves Geraldine, he loved Renee, he cares for John. Renee thinks John is the one who was always forcing Chas to join along. Renee thinks John was the one who was always drawing Chas away from his family. Renee thinks their divorce is John’s fault.

It’s not. It never has been and Chas will always hold immense guilt for making the warlock think it is.

John never forced Chas to come along on his cases. John asked, Chas agreed.

John never dragged Chas away from his family. John was a danger to himself, Chas had to protect him.

John is not the reason Chas’s marriage crumbled around him while he did nothing more than stand by and watch.

Chas is.

…………………………………….

Chas sees it coming. Sees the way John’s already dark eyes seem to go gray. Sees the way John moves from point A to point B without much thought. On autopilot, as though following a list of given, ordered steps.

He sees the way John will go still, stare at the corner behind Chas, or the air behind Zed, or himself in the mirror the one time Chas walked past the bathroom and John had left the door open.

He sees it all before anyone else.

Maybe even before John.

………………………………..

Chas’s body stills as John tells him and Zed that he’s leaving for a few months. That a friend back in England has asked for his help with a case and he’s not sure how long it will take. It’s a simple job, routine exorcism, they don’t need to come along.

Chas doesn’t say anything - he doesn’t know if he’s right and he doesn’t want to scare John off - so he simply nods and watches the exorcist go. Zed expresses concern, worried John isn’t going to be able to handle himself, worried he’s going to get hurt.

If Chas is right about what’s really happening, if Chas is right about what John’s really going to do, then the exorcist is going to be just fine.

……………………………

He waits a few days, gives John time to settle in, before calling Ravenscar.

He gives his name, his number, explains who he is and why he’s calling before asking if John Constantine is a patient.

He nearly weeps with relief, body going slack against the wall, when they say yes.

…………………………..

Chas doesn’t call. He doesn’t visit. He asks Ravenscar to not tell John he asked if he was there, because if the exorcist is going to get better, he can’t know there’s someone keeping an eye on him.

John went to Ravenscar without a truthful word to anyone and Chas isn’t going to ruin the illusion that he’s alone. He works better when he thinks he’s alone.

Ravenscar didn’t help John, the first time. It was a wasted six months, even John has admitted to that on more than one occasion.

Chas can only hope that they can fix whatever has driven John back.

…………………………….

Zed whispers, “oh god”, dropping her pencil to the floor. Chas looks over, sees her sketch of John  _ hanging _ himself, and barely manages to not run to the phone to call Ravenscar. Barely remembers to do it where Zed can’t hear. He calls Ravenscar and pleads. Pleads with them to check on John, tells them he thinks the other is attempting sucide.

He only breathes when they call back and say they got to him in time.

Chas doesn’t know what’s going on with John. He can only hope Ravenscar is helping.

He looks at Zed’s sketch later where she’s left it on the table, once she’s asleep in bed. It’s obviously John, obviously hanging himself, but other than that, there’s no clear detail.

Good. John didn’t tell either of them where he was going, Chas can’t imagine he’d ever want Zed knowing where he is now.

Chas doesn’t mention it the next morning and neither does Zed.

He can only hope John makes it through.

…………………………….

It’s a long year and a half without John. Zed doesn’t mention him anymore, doesn’t talk about him. She thinks he’s dead and at this point, Chas is starting to wonder too.

He goes to visit Geraldine when he’s supposed to, keeps his phone ringer turned up in the hopes that if John comes home, Zed will call him and tell him.

Geraldine understands, when he explains. Shockingly, so does Renee. Or maybe she’s just so used to John ruining their family that she’s not surprised anymore.

Zed doesn’t call and Chas spends the weekend with his daughter. 

He tries not to feel disappointed.

……………………………..

John’s back.

John’s back and he’s alive and he’s  _ smiling _ and Chas doesn’t realize how tight he’s holding him, doesn’t realize John can’t breathe until the exorcist laughs and remarks,

“Alright now, mate, easy does it. You’re triggering a few of my kinks there.”

Chas releases him, but not for long. He grabs John’s arms tightly, forces the exorcist to stay where he is so he can’t weasel out of the conversation. He demands to know where John’s been, even though he already knows the answer.

John doesn’t answer but Chas isn’t surprised. He doesn’t push him though. Ravenscar helped, he can tell. Whatever was going on with John, whatever was wrong, it’s not now. John is better, Ravenscar helped and suddenly, Chas can breathe easy.

Everything is going to be okay.

………………….

Chas finds a bottle labeled Clozapine in the bathroom. It has John’s name on it, but that doesn’t make sense because John doesn’t have any sort of psychotic disorder he’d need to be medicated for.

Chas doesn’t say anything about it, doesn’t ask. Just knocks on John’s door, holds up the bottle and says, “Is this yours? I found it in the bathroom?”

John doesn’t panic. Doesn’t freak out or run or do anything patented John Constantine action. He simply looks up from whatever grimoire he’s pouring over, takes a moment to process the question and what Chase is holding, before calmly reply,

“Thanks mate, I was wondering where it was.” He gestures with his head to the dresser by the door. “Just set it down there, yeah?”

Chas does, leaves, and that’s the end of the conversation.

He doesn’t tell Zed. If John wants her to know, he’ll say something himself.

He doesn’t. Chas isn’t surprised.

…………...................

They go back to cases and John acts the same, like nothing’s changed. But he’s smiling more now. He’s laughing more. He’s more patient with others where before, he would have snapped at people when they kept talking in circles.

He’s a little quiet, a little subdued, but he’s better.

Chas can’t help but wonder when the other shoe will drop.


	3. Zed Martin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zed stopped running when she met John. 
> 
> John almost seemed to run harder.

Zed hasn’t stopped running since she escaped the Crusade and she doesn’t think she’s ever going to. She’d had visions, dreams, of a dark man in a trench coat and while she didn’t know who he was or what he could possibly do, she knew that her vision meant she had to find him.

You can imagine her surprise when she realized he was running too. That he’d been running longer than her, from the same thing, and still hadn’t stopped.

It made her worried for her own future. But she tagged along with him, stayed close. _Insisted_ on him letting her come along and though there was something off about him, hidden in his eyes and behind his words, he agreed.

He was starved for contact, she realized, several months into working with him where the only person who ever showed him even the smallest ounce of kindness was his temporarily immortal friend and driver who didn’t really have anyone else to go to anyway.

………………………….

John pounded it into her from the very first day that people around him die. They leave him or they die and there’s no other option.

She stayed next to him anyway, because someone had to teach him that he’s _wrong_. That he’s not cursed or broken. She doesn’t know where or when he started thinking that, but she knows he has yet to be proven wrong.

Zed is going to prove him wrong.

……………………………

John Constantine held secrets the way you might hold your breath underwater. Desperately, knowing that if you let go, the water will flood in and you’ll drown.

Zed stopped running when she met John. John almost seemed to run harder.

……………………………..

John kept secrets from even Chas and though the taller male clearly knew it, he never pressed. She wondered if there was a story there, a reason Chas knew better than to ask when John was clearly lying.

Like when he told the two of them an old friend in England had asked for his help with a routine exorcism and he’d be gone for awhile. Like when he insisted he’d be fine on his own and they didn’t need to tag along.

Zed saw Chas, saw the look on his face as John walked out the door. She waited until she heard the cab - not Chas’s, one John had called - drive away before asking,

“He’s lying, isn’t he?”

Chas merely sighed. “He does it reflexively, I think,” he replied, but Zed doesn’t think that’s the case here. “Sometimes he doesn’t even know he’s doing it.”

Maybe. But not this time, because Zed knows for sure John knows damn well he just lied to them.

She can only hope, only wish, she knew why.

She doesn’t ask again.

……………………………….

Three months pass by without a word from John. Zed is worried, but Chas says he’s fine. It’s true she hasn’t had any alarming visions about him, but that doesn’t mean he’s okay. What if he’s hurt, lying dead under a demon’s claw? Or got drunk - that’s almost certainly happened regardless though - and stepped out into the street and got hit by a car?

What if-

“Believe it or not, Zed, John’s been working cases by himself for a long time,” Chas assured for what probably felt like the hundredth time since John walked out the door. “Before Newcastle, even.” He shrugged. “He’s been doing this for years. He’ll be okay.”

……………………………..

And then Zed has a vision of John hung from the ceiling by a rope, doesn’t even realize that’s what it is, and she lets out a shout and throws her sketchpad across the room, breathing heavily in terror.

Chas takes one look at it, at the picture she’s drawn, before taking off down the hall. He’s calling John, she hopes. He’s calling John and checking on him and making sure he’s fine because Zed just had a vision about John _killing_ himself and so far, none of her visions haven’t been real.

……………………………..

She didn’t see Chas the rest of the night and fearing the worst, Zed can’t bring herself to say anything in the morning. Can’t bring herself to ask in the morning.

Chas offers no information, so Zed manages to convince herself - delude herself - into believing John’s alive. If Chas couldn’t get a hold of him, they’d be on a flight to England to find him, right?

If Chas couldn’t get a hold of him, he would have called a hospital looking for him, right?

If Chas called him in the middle of John killing himself, they’d be rushing to his rescue.

Right?

…………………………………..

She’s expecting Chas so she thinks she’s dreaming when she turns and finds John coming down the steps. But the moment he looks at her, the moment he _smiles_ , she knows it’s him and she throws herself around his shoulders, clinging tightly as she whispered,

“I had a vision you killed yourself.” as he slowly winds his arms around her to return the hug. “I was so scared.”

He pulls back then and remarks, “Can’t get rid of me that easily, luv.” He smiles and Zed can’t help but smile back.

There’s still something in her buzzing, some part of her that’s worried that if she turns away for even a second, he’ll be gone. So she stays by his side the rest of the night, telling him every story he missed over the last year and a half.

The one about Chas waking up while police are trying to revive him isn’t very funny, but John laughs like it’s the best thing he’s heard in years.

Maybe it is.

………………………….

Chas comes back and squeezes the life out of John, only letting go when the exorcist has to ruin the moment with humor. But he doesn’t hesitate to grab John’s arms, almost shaking the smaller male as he demands to know where John was. What he was doing, what _happened_.

Good, Zed can’t help but think. Don’t let John keep thinking we believed his lie when he ran out on us.

John doesn’t actually answer the question, finds a way to skirt around it, but for some reason that doesn’t seem to bother Chas, which is fair. In his defense, John’s never been an open person to begin with.

Maybe he _was_ telling the truth, Zed thinks later. About the exorcist with an old friend. Maybe it went wrong, he got hurt, another crop of demons showed up.

She sighs as she heads to bed because it doesn’t matter how many excuses she makes up, she’ll never actually know the truth.

……………………..

They get back to cases soon enough and it’s weird, seeing John being light and smiling. Maybe he was before, but it was a darker type of smile. More self deprecating and hate filled than genuine happiness.

Zed decides that the exorcism - if there ever really was one - probably went fine. She doubts John would be so... _different_ if it hadn’t. She toys briefly with the idea of possession but shakes it off because John had come back and it’s been days.

If he were possessed, they'd know by now. As soon as the thought crosses her mind, she scolds herself. John’s allowed to be bright and happy without any dark force at play.

John’s allowed some goddamn _peace_ without a demon being the cause.

And for the first time since she’s known him, John seems to finally stop running.

She wonders when the other shoe will drop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About half way through writing part two of the series. It'll probably be up today.
> 
> No, this work isn't finished but part two mostly just includes references and takes place during chapter 1, John's part, so there's not any spoilers or anything.
> 
> Let me know your thoughts and thank you for reading!


	4. Desmond Laveau

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can’t watch you tear yourself apart,” Des murmured. “You have to choose, John. Me or magic.” he sucked in a soft breath. “I can’t let you have both.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter!

From the moment Desmond Laveau was born, he was told he was blessed.

From the moment John Constantine was born, he was told he was cursed.

…………………………………..

When Desmond Laveau was thirteen, he was running outside, chasing friends with sticks.

When John Constantine was thirteen, he was being raped by forty year old men.

………………………………….

When Desmond Laveau was fourteen, he was entering his first year of high school.

When John Constantine was fourteen, he tried to kill himself.

…………………………………..

When Desmond Laveau was fifteen, he had his first kiss and pretended to be straight.

When John Constantine was fifteen, he fell head first into magic and dark arts.

…………………………………..

When Desmond Laveau was twenty-six, he was working as a barkeep in New Orleans.

When John Constantine was twenty-six, he was summoning a demon who sent a nine year old to be tortured in Hell for all eternity.

……………………………….

“So,” thirty-two old John Constantine concluded as he stood before thirty-four year old Desmond Laveau. “I understand if any of that is...a dealbreaker.”

Des didn’t agree, didn’t turn or throw John out like he’s sure the exorcist was expecting. Instead, he wrapped John up in a tight hug before leading him over to the couch, the two of them settling down in silence for a moment or two before the bigger man finally sighed.

“I know what you’re doing,” he remarked. “We’ve been together for two years, I know why you’re suddenly mentioning all of this now.”

“Oh?” John asked, not moving from Des’s side. Not daring. “And why’s that, luv.”

“Because you’re afraid,” Des replied. “You’ve spent the last thirty-two years thinking that you’re cursed. That everyone you fall for or befriend is doomed to either walk away or die a painful death. You’re telling me now because we’ve been together too long and nothing has happened. You’re telling me so I’ll leave before the other shoe drops.”

“I’d rather you leave than die,” John quietly admitted.

“I’m not going to die, John.”

“So they all claim.” the exorcist closed his eyes. “And so they all do.”

………………………….

Desmond spent six months proving to John that he was wrong. That the first dozen years of his life were shit but it wasn’t because of him. That people left and people died and it wasn’t his fault.

It wouldn't be easy and it wouldn’t be fast. The childhood of abuse John had suffered saw to that, the horrid disaster of Newcastle made sure of that.

But Des had all the time in the world. He wasn’t going anywhere and neither was John.

And eventually, John knew that.

Eventually, John  _ believed  _ that.

………………………...

They got into BDSM, the pair of them. It ended up working well. Des enjoyed giving orders and John enjoyed following them.

As Des found out the hard, terrifying way, John had already experienced BDSM.

Just not the safe, sane, or consensual aspect. So he taught him. He taught John that restraints can bring  _ pleasure _ , not just for him Dom but him too.

He taught John about aftercare and fought down the urge to scream at the thought of someone controlling, beating and abusing John under the guise of a Scene but not even bothering to care for him afterwards.

He taught John subspace and safewords, tap out and trust.

He taught John  _ love _ .

……………………………….

And then the argument came. The one Des will never look back out without drowning in guilt and regret.

The one Des wishes he hadn’t caused and the one he realized John had seen coming all along.

“John, please!” Des would get on his knees for this man, if he felt it would do any sort of good. “I can’t take this anymore! Using magic, it’s killing you!”

“I’ll die without it,” John softly replied. But they both knew he didn’t mean it.

“I don’t want to do this, John,” Desmond murmured. “I really don’t.”

John shifted. “But you will.”

“I can’t watch you tear yourself apart,” Des murmured. “You have to choose, John. Me or magic.” he sucked in a soft breath. “I can’t let you have both.”

John doesn’t reply, just stares at him. So Des leaves. He turns and grabs his keys and leaves.

……………………………….

When Des gets back, John and everything he ever claimed as his - not much - is gone.

And it’s only years later that Des realizes John had goaded him. He’d been so afraid of Des leaving or dying that he’d forced Des’s hand.

All those times John came back injured or didn’t come back at all, all those times John deliberately chose magic over Des.

He did it because he was  _ forcing _ Des to leave.

And it worked. Because John Constantine is a con man. Something Des had always known, yet always overlooked.

Des does not see John again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please let me know your thoughts, it makes me happy to know people are reading/interacting/liking.
> 
> If you haven't seen already, part two "Side Effects May Include" is up now.
> 
> Currently working on part 3 but who knows when that'll be out

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know you're thoughts! I'm making this into a series but IDK when part two will be up. I started writing it but then I wrote this, so IDK


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